i want to See...

I want to learn to appreciate this gift given to me, Life
I want to see the beauty in the small things
To fill this void that exists not with sweet nothings
But realities independent of the present
Realities Pregnant with possibility
Bound to happen despite weakness
For the mere fact that inheritance is never  really earned
SO, I want to live my right, this gift to be chosen as His
I want to love life for real
Knowing that where i am is okay cause He is more than able to
take me there
To places where like the last piece of the puzzle I am anticipated
And my presence makes all the difference cause only a moment ago,
There was a need.
I guess I am searching for purpose
The Driving force enabling me to cherish every breath
And finally understand the truth that indeed life is a gift
And not just a path in which we learn to observe and battle envy
Never really sinking but not quite swimming
Convincing ourselves our time is yet to come
Though the strokes get harder by the minute
I'm just saying I want to live the life i was born for
Shine bright like this star on my forhead
Sigh in relief that this heart never lied
When  it first perceived that I too was a gift
Accounted For
Wrapped up in time
Delivered in Seasons for a reason
So am i wrong if I'm still looking
For a reason to fight
Cause truth be told, sometimes I see it all go down the drain
And a part of me wonders what there is to rescue
So here i am hoping
 I am hoping for my dreams to come alive
To be filled with colors and depth, sounds and vibrations
 that speak LIFE and stain my very existence with hope
Hope in the Future
Hope that the best is yet to come
Hope that even my imagination cannot fathom 
Giving me the faith the take a step ahead
Towards the Evidence of that i am yet to see.

Who she Be

As Clear as the reflection in the mirror
It is not who she be
But who she would have you see
Layers covering a core so frail
Sealed by the notion
That the image of perfection
In some way shape or form
Conceals the insecurity that truth now..... exudes
She is Lost
Though Smiles bright,
cages a tongue if let loose
Only melodies of melancholy will spill
While hoping that a hopeful will whisper hope
Not to her ear cause it'll fade
But to her heart cause it'll stay rooted in truth
That where there is life there is hope
Cause to her it is literal
Life in the Closet
Confirmed though contradicted
With ripples that only process can sustain
Eyes concealed
Hiding tear marks from fear
That if tomorrow never comes
She returns with her fingerprint
Leaving the world unaffected
by the specific purpose of her being

Expressionless she Standstill
to the Cynic's voice she now  ad hears
Giving in to whatever will have her today,
For fear that her strength fails
And tomorrow's outcome depends on today's fight
Through rehearsal of  rational thought
She Contemplates steps to take
In the Fork of choice
With  the options screaming
Though the deep may consume
The shallow is of no effect
So Helpless she stares in the mirror
What He Created, She still admires
But hardly believes in
Carrying weights never intended for her
How do she be SHE

And a voice springs out  
Not to the ear
For whispers of unbelief may dilute
But to the heart
For it's intention is to take root
teaching truths only now perceivable
Let the tears wash the concealer off
These very eyes concealed if revealed
will appeal to the thirsty
For you As a well being dug.
Face the Layers penetrated
Creating a void which
Poses the very questions
By Grace you will  one day answer
For understanding you will encounter
If you will dare to trust
It is the Emptying that exposes the refreshing
Though the drilling extracts dirt
It propels you to the water
Making you a source
Promotion over validation
Because for once you do not need to be needed
As water, You just are
So naturally, they draw,
And this time it's ok

Allowing for dismissal of false approval
 Dependent on the facade
That Perfection is my reflection
When in actual fact I flee the illusion
Depriving you of  provision of my Grace
So as Clear as the reflection in the mirror
It is not you, but who I will have you see
Connecting the dots between inside and out
Reflecting what you can become
through the Glory of my Presence
Representing the finer things
But independent of the very things you seem to be made of
For the very void hidden in the image of  perfection
Now reflects not a cover
but a manifestation of prophecy
That you are made in my image
So when it comes time to discard the layers
You do so gladly
Cause this new mirror reflects the inside of you.

See Saw....

So I have been  hiding
While you've been Seeking
Seeking to find me
To keep me.. safe
Safe from my mind
Bundled with  guilt
Frustrated by attempts
To make things right
Yet falling short
cause Yeah!!! I'm Caged
Like Paul
Wanting to do right
Yet constantly on the wrong
Wondering if it's worth it
The trying, the failing
See Saw Up and Down

Last Week you told me you loved me
That was before I messed up
Tell me you put that into consideration
Cause truly I have been counting on it
Hoping that somehow if i gave up on me
You wouldn't
Can I atleast tell you the truth?
This race gets hard sometimes
Harder cause now it's no longer others
Letting me down
Played the Blame game
Got used to it
But I know the real issue now
It's me Pops!!
Spitting words in prayer
Convinced I am sincere
Cause I'm almost certain
They came from the depths of my heart
I shed a tear, that should say something
How then could I
in a matter of seconds
Be harnessing pure evil
when a few seconds ago, you were number one
Same Mind, Same tongue, Same heart
See saw Up and Down

It's this battle going on inside of me
My desire to choose you, Love you, be true to you
Cause you deserve nothing less than perfection
Aware that I am far from it
It's amazes me that you'd settle
Settle for my half heartedness
Yet you Go by your Word
Walking the Example of faith
Speaking those things I am not as though I am
Loving and seeing me thus
Cause you made a decision years ago
For this one, I'll make it count
See Saw Up and Down

I'll take you to the Mountains
And through the Valleys
Through the water and Fire
I'll shake everything that's movable
Till that which is true remains
My Strength, My love, My motivation
Cause with me, see, it's easier
Let me have it, the Fear that is
Cause while you don't , I do
I see the part of you that's stable
It's your heart I'm after, Remember
So Halfway is still good enough
Provided you're still on the journey
I could meet you half way
So lift your hands up
And cry if you must
But I'm taking it from here
Loving you for you and nothing else
Pressing past that weakness
Till you  too can give yourself a chance
You're almost on the ground again
But remember, when you get there
All you need to do is push
And up you go again
See Saw Up and Down

Bare with me, Random thoughts!!

     Things have not exactly been great the past few days but at the same time I can't really complain.I guess it's been one of those auto pilot type things. I can't help but think how, so often it's like we are looking for God to make our lives a little more interesting than they actually are. This brings us to this illusion that fame and riches just solves it all.  I am just now realizing  that I am not the best when it comes to routine...but then does routine ever go away?
      All I know is,I have to believe that there has to be more to all this waking up in the morning and doing what you have to do and paying bills.I know that's what I am looking to find. You know, that place where you actually are doing something that really matters, something that makes a difference.Something bigger than you. Living a life that meant something.
      I feel horrible sometimes when i think about the truth which is, God just puts up with so much. I only decided to give everything to Him when I knew I had hit rock bottom and there was no where else to go. I had all these plans, What I wanted to do and how it was going to be done and nothing was going to stand in my way. Now it rings so true to me that many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the purpose of God that stands. He just let me go around in my own bubble until it burst.
    Many people think Christians are pathetic because it almost seems like they turn to God as a last resort." You are this failure so you figure God can help you out." Even if that was the case, isn't it good to know that all hope is not lost? And this is for those who just do not get it right sometimes. It is good to know that your weakness is what makes you Eligible for His strength to be manifested in your life. He Steps in where He is needed, and I guess we have a clearer picture of what is required of us.
     I think this is where the thoughts of man differ from the thoughts of God, because from my little experience it's almost like He has this all planned out. There was no way I was going to give up everything I knew and loved in pursuit of my destiny and my purpose in God. However, being God and knowing that about me. He just let me manage things and somehow I came to realise this was not going to work... I needed HELP.,At that point He came with a proposal I could not deny.
      All of a sudden I am starting wonder how on this green earth I thought I was created to do my own thing. I guess that's the conflict in being chosen by God, It is more of a predestination thing. GPS is set to destiny when we are born and though we get distracted, He just lets us go around in circles till we decide  to get with the program. Isn't it funny how it is only along the way that things actually start to make sense. He is so merciful that he makes all those wrong turns count for something. In fact at the end of the day it's hard to call them errors.I am not exactly sure where He has me going to be honest , but I am certain about the fact that I am done playing my own cards.
      I have been studying about Joseph lately and it is amazing the journey one must go through if really God  has a job for you. To think that He was seventeen when God told him about his expected end, and dude just kept keeping on despite all hell breaking loose. I sometimes wonder if these people were ordinary. Not once did he complain about how things were going. And here I am at every little stumble losing my mind.
      What I thought was cool though is the fact that regardless of where Joseph was, God was with Him. And I don't mean the type of "God was with him" where He just said it to keep his Sanity. He really was. Dude was running things everywhere he went. He brought reports to his dad from his brothers, he ran things at Potipher's house, He ran things in Prison... It actually hit me when I was studying that, all the hoops were just rehearsals for the big show, running things with Pharoah. Talk about not despising humble beginnings.It was Favor, and it worked everywhere he went.
      I really pray God will give me the grace to see the need for every step I am taking. I do not understand them most of the time but I do believe that the steps of the righteous are ordered by God. It was all planned by God. Joesph was sold to an officer of Pharoah, who'swife was going to seduce him, and ofcourse God knew He was going to turn her down so ... highway to prison. There he was going to discover a gifting which inturn set him before the king, and the same favor that had been working for him in the little places, worked in the great place... I find that amazing.
       I wonder if sometimes Joseph got weak and confused. I am sure He did. The scripture says he told the King's cup holder to remember him for he has been kidnapped into a strange land and brought to prison for nothing. The good news is that He made it, and he was free from bitterness for all the hurt he had to go through on the way. Lord knows some of us need that grace.
     Maybe what we really need is to be able to cultivate the presence of God at every stage. Whether we like hard times or not, The bible guarantees us that God is present in those times, and according to Isaiah 45:3 it is in those times that He reveals to us the hidden treasures and the secret riches He has set in place for us to be the victors he created us to be.
      He is the one who keeps us from the pit to the palace, and ooohhh!!! that does take a while, but it's all process!There's a reason for the madness...

 

The Power of HERE!!!

Here is the Place we met

In the Corner, Lights out, darker than night

I noticed you cause you were Different

A light which shun so bright

Opening my eyes to my own complacency

I wasn't the prettiest and to top it off,

 I wasn't even smiling...How could I?

I just got Kicked out of a spelling bee

For failure to spell a four letter word.

L.O.V.E

Birthing an awareness you can't give what you do not Know

This four letter word like many others spoke of truths I wasn't proud of

N.E.E.D

H.E.L.P

Hands Clutched to my chest
Grabbing unto Hopes lost for reasons uncertain

Four letter words in your light 

I can finally see

P.A.S.T

P.A.I.N

Now you ask for another even more precious

T.I.M.E

Assuring me back on track

As If I would follow you back to basics

Here, You did not show me all the work needed to be done

Though you sang the beautiful melody of Vision and Mission

Distracting me with your peace,
Numbing me with your Love

As you cut through tumors formed by my own indiscretions
Here, You stitched me up and taught me to walk again

Orienting me to the fact that masses now lost
Were all a part of your Divine plan

You were Patient with me and watched me through
As I Swayed To and Fro Withdrawal and Relapse.
You rocked me to sleep chocking in my own tears of regret
Promising you could make it to count for something if I'd trust
And with no where else to turn I found it in me to spell another four letter word
A.M.E.N

Still laying in your arms
For the first time I heard your heartbeat
As I slowed down to catch up to the rhythm of your breath
Understanding, if for the first time we were in SYNC
I  had a shot at getting it right
I  had a shot to be who you created me to be and in turn put a smile on your face
Cause after all I put you through, you too deserve to Smile

Smile when I choose to run instead of walk
Run to Catch up on the Miles I missed out on
And Like Elijah you'll give me the grace to breeze past chariots
Running into your Presence
The place where it's only You and I
That place where I present to you this Poem, Cause it is for you
And though these words,It's you who blesses me with
I rededicate them to you

Here, I stand before the world,
Though Audience unseen
And with me,I bring two witnesses
This Keyboard and this Screen
That they may watch as I declare my love and gratitude to you
Cause the first time I saw,you were  first in sight
And despite my mess,You Smiled
That picture remains in the deepest part of me
And I am determined to make it up to you
Not just for being my God
But for being Everyone else's
Whether we RECOGNIZE it or not.

Freedom to be Me

There is so much Power in the wind, and I think it comes from the fact that it is not contained. It blows from north to south and turns around and blows from east to west. In life However, this freedom comes with a price tag, an offer that many of us tend to reconsider when we realize what it might take on our end.

Freedom I believe, is the ability to be the  real YOU regardless of what it costs.Freedom is being okay with the fact that we are raw materials but we have potential to be the most amazing finished products.Freedom is being able to look deep into who you are right now and still see the one you were created to be. The one who's dreams might be bigger than he/she can sponsor, but understands that the little bits of provision have been hidden in secret places along the way.Freedom is knowing that there is a mark you were born to leave on this earth and though it is not yet clear to you, you are willing to discover this purpose even if it can only be found in the unconventional.

         It is not always an easy process because the world in which we live has a way of locking us up in these mental and cultural cages that limit our ability to fly free. So to make up for our lack of commitment to this journey, we try to find short cuts and safe routes.We make every attempt to escape the mistakes, the pain, the questions and the wrong turns.It is ironic because embedded in these paths we flee, are the answers to very essence of our being.

       Isn't it funny how kids always want to grow up so they can be free to do what adults do, when in actual fact they are the ones who are free. Free to say whatever they want to say because it comes from an innocence of heart.They are free to dream and see their potential for what it really is,Limitless.
      I just wonder if this freedom is allowed to them for this while because we are aware that sooner or later they will encounter the one thing that holds us back, Realities of Life. And if this is the case, What are these realities??Is it truth that we cannot be who we dream of becoming? Doesn't this then challenge the very truth that as a man thinks, so he is?

       This must break  the very heart of God, to think that as  His kids, however old,  we have put a limit to what we believe He can accomplish through us.We are so eager to grow up and move out of His Grace into our own abilities. The Irony here is that Jesus who was the Son of God was okay being behind the scenes till He was 30. However in three years on the scene, He had the grace to do that which no other has been able to do.Hebrews 5.8 says Although Jesus was the Son of God, He learned obedience from the things He suffered.

      One of my favorite times in life is when I actually get to the chance to go theme parks. The roller coasters should get credit as metaphoric answers to the very questions we seek to find in out quest to know what the future holds. It is full of uncertainties.On a roller coaster, you rise to unimaginable heights and in the twinkle of an eye you are lower than you thought possible. You are turned in every position  known to man but somehow you survive.I find it ironic that despite the craziness of the ride, not too many people look forward to the destination,In fact most people detest the destination. It becomes all about the journey.
      Could this be what life was meant to be?An adventure,A Story worth sharing? The knowledge that you are strapped and so regardless of what happens,you are safe.The assurance that you are headed somewhere.

      I believe that if we would just trust God a little more, We will have a different perspective on this search for purpose.Just like the Adrenaline rush we feel  from these rides, taking us right back to the lines for more, we will start to experience the real flavor that exists in this gift called life.
      Now we can go Up, Down, Sideways,Upside down, and know we are strapped.Now we are free to raise our hands, scream, and enjoy life.

      Galatians 5:1  tells us Christ has set us Free, like the Wind.It also says to make sure that you stay free, and do not get tied up again. God has set us in motion, however fighting for our ability to blow to and fro whatever direction we please, is a choice we make for ourselves.

  

Beauty in Paradox

I ask the question sometimes

What the constant is at times

When I am caught between two extremes

Both ME!

Trying to find a balance between the Heat and the Cold in my soul

Yet trapped by the thought that the Lukewarm He'll Spew out 

I picture  Mountains I have climbed

I remember Valleys I crawled and lay in

Destinations I glorified

While deeming  the true light that exists in the journey

Tic.. Tac.. Too..

Who am I?

An Answer that in the height of my Glory

And  in the depth  of my misery I could not grasp

For fear that they would be defined by outcome 

Which is always subject to change.

Which am I?

Realizing only now I am but a vehicle ever so frail

Dents Unavoidable, Batteries subject to Fail 

Constant need of fuel... call it motivation

Yet in the Hands of the Engineer

Who sees fit to equip this frailty 

Ignoring the Cosmetic work sometimes

For fear it might take away from the most beautiful thing

It's Engine.

What a beautiful mind,

Bringing out such beauty from PARADOX.

     

The Pressure's OFF!!

Looking for someone to buy goods I don't quite believe in
As I hold them , my eye hits the obvious expiry date but I am clueless
Unaware of a Sales pitch I can use to liquidate with a sense of urgency
Considering to relinquish at wholesale
Heck who cares about Profit If this buyer can fill this gap
This void so intense it must be deeper than loneliness
on  a search for a superhuman
Someone who'd call ME beautiful first thing in the morning
Though I can't stand MY own sight.. MY own breath
Too high of an expectation?
Anyone looking to settle ?
Cause in every aspect I am packing less.
I need all the Validation I can get
I need all the Reassurance possible
Did I mention I'd rather YOU be Perfect?
That's right!
Cause I will be taking up all our emotional resources combined.
So yes, That's probably explains why I'm Desperate.
pushing My Figure, My Face, My Smile to compensate for a while
 hoping when that's all gone my heart will be enough

What I could not see was you were created  a Witness
A witness to the wonderful work He is about to do in me
A witness to see me here and me there
It must be Grand if He is not making you responsible for this project
It must be special if he needed someone who could share a testament
You are here to confirm I was a little rough around the edges
but the finished work is a Blessing
You are here to testify not just because you are loyal to me
But because you experienced every step of the way
He sends you to take a before picture, and to Awe you with the after
So please relax... ALL THE PRESSURE IS OFF.

I March!!!

I March, Head high, Chest Up, with the courage of a soldier
I March, Facing an enemy against all odds with a price in mind
I March, dodging bullets aimed to kill but only scratching
Creating wounds, today's pains, tomorrow's scars,
Memories of pains he turned to victories that i so easily forget sometimes but i march

Looking for the meaning of Life,
For love in all the wrong places
Stuck alone in my mind with battles and consequences
Facing Choices and Decisions of things I thought I had to do, but I march

Wondering how i could have done things differently
As the weight of my shoes get heavier and heavier
As I pick pieces of Unforgiveness and bitterness and worse of all
The fear of the Unknown, but I march

Wondering how I found myself in a place that I can barely recognize
When in my dreams I reach for the stars
And I am trying to bridge the Gap between when I am
and where I want to be with the question
Who am I, but I march

Looking at every Street name, looking for a way out
A way to, A path to who I really am
As I bump not into people but reflections of people
Bummed because a shadow can't show me the way out
and I have made to many wrong turns already, but i march

I march until I get to the fork in the road
and I am caught between taking a new path and walking back into my mess
And for the first time i think
I think of what it must mean to take this new salvation street
And the words Pop in my mind
That I am singled out as able to live victoriously as ordained by an invisible God
Finally a way out of this mess
Walking into Destiny, Creating History

I Think of a lowly Caterpillar
Building it's Cocoon to become a butterfly
And this thought brings a smile to my face
Cause i can't wait to Fly
And I am eager with a new anticipation of what it must mean
To leave from rubbing my Feet with the dust,
to finally Flapping my wings and saying what's up to the Birds
I spot and eagle and I think, One day I will be like Him

But no one ever told me about the pain in the process
No one ever told me that one by one crutches will be pulled away from me
Leaving me Helpless, needing Greater, Divine Attention
No one ever told me the truths I must find
Digging deep past layers of pain so indescribable
Yet so detectable in my inability to relate to you
As I glaze on Auto Pilot, Doing nothing as things get done
Criticizing the Status quo
Unable to see that which really needs Change, ME

Not till I walk past the mirrors of truth and I can finally see
That this Cocoon is a place where love can be born
A place where He wants to heal wounds that five stitches could not fix
Stapled so tightly to conceal the wound
Yet missing out on infections that came from lies of anonymous authors
Like Warriors Don't Cry.
As if to say that Tears are a sign of weakness
As if to Say that weakness is a sign of hope lost.

But a light is shed and I now Understand that His strength is made perfect in this weakness
And as I watch people drowning in seas that once almost Consumed
I can lend a hand, gain a muscle, become a platform for divine artistry
As He splatters colors all over me
Like the Rainbow He makes a Covenant with me
Affliction shall not repeat itself a second time
And Now I can see that every Blue thought on a yellow day,
 He is turning into the beauty of a green Nature
And you wonder why I am so Fly when I finally, finally Finally Fly
It is not me, I am just a piece of artwork
Often Interpreted but never really understood
But one that's been signed and approved by the greatest artist of all times
Jehovah!!

December 11th 2008

A letter from the heart of God!

How do you feel about Fairweather Friends?
How do you feel about Relationships that are centered around the other person?
Don't you like when people ask about your dreams, your ambitions, your hopes?
Does it occur to you that I would like to be your friend?
The one you worry about
The one you want to help carry out His Ambitions.
You spend time encouraging your other friends and praying with them that it might be well.
Does it occur to you that sometimes I want to feel like you just came into my Presence to talk, to ask about things of the Kingdom.
I tell you to Call unto me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things which you do not know. While these are things that can help you in your earthly walk, I also want to reveal my Glory to you.
I want to help you set your eyes on a prize.
I ask you to seek First my Kingdom and my Righteousness and all things shall be added unto you.
What does it mean to be A TRUE FRIEND?
A Good Friend is one who is there independent of what you do or do not do for them.
Why is our friendship always threatened when things go wrong?
Do you stop talking to your other friends when things go wrong?
Isn't that when you need them the most?
Is it because they can fix it or is it because they can share in your pain?
     Do not get me wrong I want to fix it for you, but I want you to know that I do not do these things to merit your Worship. I deserve your worship Independently of what I have or have not done for you.So when you wonder why I am so far away, understand that I am not far away. I am here, I always am. Your perspective does not allow you to see me the way I am.
    That is why I ask you to be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may have the Mind of Chirst. That way you may love as He loved, Independently of if you are loved in return.
I have loved you before you ever saught my face and I always will love you, but for our friendship to go escalate to where you dream of it to go, you will have to treat me like the friend you would like to have.
Listen to what I have to say about things too, Ask about my opinions, Share your joys as well as your sorrows with me, Be active in my own sphere, Opt to do favors for me too.That will bring a smile to my face. Remember that you were made in my image. I know you like Surprises, Every now and then, I would like if you too dedicated time just for me. Be a vessel through which I can bless my other friends.
      How wonderful will it be for you to dedicate time, yourself and whatever it is that you have so I may bless another?Howmany more people would enjoy a relationship with me and in turn seek me? You will realise as we walk together in true Friendship that your prayers will change.You will be confident that I understand you so much so that you would not have to explain yourself to me because I am right there with you. And when things do not seem like I am right there , you will know that I am right there , cause I always am.
     There are people in your life that you know regardless of how many times you call them and they do not pick up, you know they care. The issue is for some reason or the other they are not available. It is almost the same. The difference  is that I am always there. I just do not let things happen for no reason, and because I have a plan, I have to let certain things accomplish the purpose for which they were sent.
     I watch you insist on having attention from a certain someone all the time.You even get jealous sometimes when he does not pay attention to you.This isn't because you do not have confidence in your relationship, you just want to be reassured. It is almost the same thing. I just want us to stay in communion. I want you to walk around with my eveident fingerprint on you.I want to show off in you. I want to laugh with you . I want to be your everything. Guess what? when we are so close, I am so much more sensitive to the things that go on in your life. Not because I love you anymore, I just understand that when certain storms hit, it will affect us, and so somehow I find myself shielding you from those things because I will miss our Fun and Communion.
    You are not too fund of answering to the question why. Have you thought for a second that you get that from me? I just want you to trust that I know what I am doing, so that when it happens All I hear from you is, You must be upto something. Trusting that I am in control.
    These are not things I am telling you today because I started speaking today.. You would have volumes if you wrote everything I said. Infact you might come to realise that I am pretty talkative myself. I just go on and on with the hopes that you will pick up on something I say.I am always grateful when you decide to listen and give me the time to Shine. You just listenned to what I have to say and for that I am grateful because this does not come around too often.
     I just wish many more of my children understood that I am not far away. I am right here .. talking always.. look at how fast you are writing.. you must realize that it is because I am talking so much. I have always been here.. I am here.. I hope you can remember that.
It is not you who is begging to be my friend. It is me waiting for you to be a good friend.It is me who is waiting for you to realise that I too desire to have a true friend.Not just someone who is counting on me for this or for that.Those things are secondary. I am also looking for a friend I can count on. I am looking for someone who will love me back.
      I know you would never be with anyone who does not love you back. Someone who does not cherish you. Why do you think I would be diffrent? I made you in my likeness. A lot of times people think they are just the way they are.. No! They are like me. They feel hurt because I feel hurt, they love because I love.. all these things I put in you , hoping that you would have a piece of how I function.
     Regardless of how much I would love you to grasp everything about me you would never be able to because you are not Not me. Everything from Sending my Son to die for you, sacrificing the best just for you.Sometimes I feel cheated when I get second best. What is funny is  we were not even friends when I first loved ....It is easier for you because I ask you to bring everything to me.. Your friend, You trust me, you know something about me,that I am faithful... so sometimes you do.
     I am advertised for what I can do and not for who I can be. What is funny is that I have learned not to mind cause as you say, all advertisement is good advertisment right?
    It is all about you coming to me and I do the rest of the work.Imagine that I fix you , teaching you how to love. I have heard you say that you do not believe in teaching another how to love you, it takes away from the element of Surprise!! Well that's me!
Understand that it is not a problem for me because I know it is in your nature to fall short., but I embrace the fact  that you are a wonderful friend to have so I forget about the bad. Infact I worked on it. That is what Jesus's death was all about. So we can just be friends and I did not have to change who I am because I can't.I do not change. I am just excited that we can commune and that we do not have to be seperated because nothing can seperate you from my love.
     If you Understood this, you would never be scared to come to me. I am not that Scary God you hear about.I am your best friend, I am your number one fan too, rooting for you as you dress up and go about your everyday business.If you Understood this you will not have a problem worshipping me. Not because I did this or that, but for the simple fact that my love for you is beyond your ability to grasp, because it really is. I can't wait till you can finally see this. I know you will understand what I am talking about one day.
     I can see you are you are getting tired of writing.I told you, it is you who tunes in and out, but I understand. I know how it gets sometimes. Just remember that you do not have to go through this alone, and whenever you feel like you do not have a friend, remember I am here, and I am always happy and grateful for whatever time you give to me. I am always wanting more and more but I understand that other things must be done.
      I hope we can talk like this more often It has really been a pleasure.
          I am right here, But while you are still listenning, I will remind you that I love you.

It's Simpler than we think!!

Have you ever felt tired of seeking a God that just never seems to want to be found?
Talking to the ceiling and wondering if anyone is actually listenning?
Trying to live right in the best way you know how and instead of life getting easier, it seems like things are getting harder than they were when you did not care.
     It gets really hard to embrace the thought of a life of constant prayer when it seems like we are begging to be acknowledged or to be responded to by God, and it's Understandable.No one wants to stay on the phone with someone they are not so fond off, or worse of all no one wants to have to call someone they barely know on a daily basis. There is the awkwardness that stems from not knowing what to say. I think that is where many of us who struggle with Prayer might be missing the mark. Even Prayer as we "know" it, is a process.. it is a journey.
      While I have not known the Lord for Ages, I was certain that we had passed the Hey, Hello stage.
Well.. not until recently He led to research on what it actually means to get to know someone. Apparently I was getting it all wrong, and I can see that now.I came to understand that there is a great difference between knowing someone and knowing about someone. When we develop interest in someone, we often start by establishing some kind of communication with this individual. First there is the exchange of names and sometimes phone numbers. This is because we assume that if we will be building a relationship with this person there has to be a means through which they can be reached. Overtime, through conversations we learn about this new friend. They ask about our experiences and we find out about their backgrounds, opinions and whatever else we feel we want to know.
       In this Case that is where the Word of God comes in. While we are just getting to know God, The Word is all we have that can introduce Him to us for ourselves. I remember when I started studying the Scriptures and I would get to so intimidated by all the people around me who could quote all kinds of scriptures and it just seemed like I was never going to get there. I would get so discoraged and somehow in my spirit I would hear this still small voice asking me what my motive for studying the scriptures was.
I had to realise that I was studying the scriptures because I wanted to know more about God.I have to be honest that it gets really hard for me to understand the King James version sometimes, so I resorted to something less complex.Hopefully overtime I will upgrade.lol. I came to realise that my studying the Word of God was primarily to get to knowmore about this God. The way He thinks and the way He goes about His business. As I spent more time studying and learning about him through the scriptures, He started making little things very clear.
      Studying the Scriptures with the help of the Holy spirit becomes more like a conversation.He is so open to questions as you read and He is right there to expand and even relate what you read to your present day circumstances. The letters in the Bible become like a gate that take you into a deeper understanding of the Character of God. I remember the Spirit of God once asking me in an attempt to memorize some scriptures I had just studied.. Do you try to memorize the conversations with your friends?
When I thought about it, I really don't. We just talk alot, about everything. They rarely tell me things like.. I am this kind of person. However due to our constant conversations I have come to learn about their characters.I have come to know their voices, what they like and what they do not like and now I actually talk like them. Therefore even the memorization of a scripture would come naturally when it constantly meditated upon. This meditation I believe, comes from a deeper understanding or revelation that is gotten from the text.
      This understanding took off a lot of pressure primarily because, when I think about how big the bible is, and how full it is with all sorts of revelation, I can only be encouraged to keep going when I understand that all I am doing is getting more knowledge about someone I would really like to know.
I look at it this way. Indulge me and Think of His Word like this.Your Significant other is very far away from you. They are far in the sense that you can't see them when you want to, yet you are really invested in this relationship working out.You talk on the phone but it is not quite the same. You send text messages but sometimes even those get misunderstood.Theyknew it might be really hard for you to cope with nothing to hold unto, so they left behind their personal journals incase . In these journals they wrote their deepest thoughts, desires ,dreams and experiences daily for years. They have never really shared it with anyone.These are things they will never really sit down and tell you. Who would? It is a lot if you think about it.
     Your ability to spend the time to read and share in this gives so much more depth to your conversations when you actually do get the chance to talk.You learn about things they went through long before you got to know them.You discover things to appreciate and things to look out for. There will be things they wrote that you do not have to pretend that you do not understand when you don't, simply because now you can ask them. After having access to these journals, it becomes easy for you to know whether or not this is someone you want to be with. This decision does not come from what anyone told you, It comes from what you have come to understand for yourself.
     If You were to forget everything anyone ever told you about God. If you were to disregard the sermons and the books, What would you say you know about God from your own experience? It is what you have come to know about Him that will keep you in the Storm. Think about it this way, What if everything you ever heard about God was a lie, how would you know but for what you know through His word and your conversations with him, Prayer. Without our own revelation of Who God is to us, we will never have anything to build on. As a result, there is nothing to talk to him about.There is no middle ground.
I do not think we are abnormal if we struggle with Prayer. I think that Religion, the simple act of doing things because we feel it is the right thing to do or because we are told, or because we want to fit into societal expectations takes away the flavor from a true walk with God.
     Prayer I believe is simply a heart to heart talk with God. A place where you can say whatever you want to say and not be scared of being judged or having to come correct. Over time we tend to change our approach to God because the more we learn about who He really is and the more we draw near to Him, He too draws near to us and we start to see Him for who He really is and we can't help but reverence him. It is a process and like any other, it takes time.
      About  three to four years ago,I was sitting on my bed one night and I was literally frustrated with what I called the things of God. I was so frustrated that for the first time I did not care to come to God all Proper.. Heavenly Father I thank you for today....none of that. I yelled in my bedroom like He was physically there with me for about 12 to 15 minutes.I went on about how hard it was to follow God and how unfair He is and while I was rude, It was REAL..It was from my heart.That was how i truly felt.
I had been believing to hear the voice of the Spirit for God for so long and all this while it was to no avail until this one night when i went off ..I threw away all the protocol and was just my messed up self,and when I was done I heard this voice say to me... YOU HAVE SPOKEN, NOW LET ME SPEAK. As soon as I heard the Voice, I did not have it in me to be stubborn , to argue or anything like that, I just yielded to It. I had gotten into the habit of Journaling a little while before then, and He asked me to pick up my journal and write what He says.
      That was the first time I heard From God for myself. Everthing I ad heard before did not get me to that point.The five steps to hearing from God and Six reasons you cannot hear him.I believe I heard from Him that da because for the first time regardless of how I came,I spoke from my heart.(proverbs 4:32b) says He Offers His freinship to the Godly. We love our friends because we can be ourselves with them and we are accepted.. weaknesses and all, through thick and thin.. I think this Scripture is just telling us that being Friends with God does not mean we have to be in any specific way..It is just about us being ourselves.He has a way of taking it from there.
      I have been led to share what I thought was an amazing letter from the heart of God. It has been four years and everytime I look back at it , It blesses me over and over again. It has stayed with me since that day and I am believing that by reading this, maybe you too like me will come to learn something new about this amazing God who is so misunderstood sometimes.
This has been a lot longer than I thought it would be so I would go ahead and share the letter in the very next post. Thank you for taking the time out read my little reflections and thoughts. Hopefully it gave you something small to think about.It's all Process!!!